


Kintsugi

by yasminakohl



Category: Star Trek
Genre: Boys Kissing, Damaged James T. Kirk, Jim tells Spock everything, M/M, Spock the Fixer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-28
Updated: 2019-10-28
Packaged: 2021-01-05 12:22:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21208466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yasminakohl/pseuds/yasminakohl
Summary: Jim feels like his soul is a bunch of shattered china all scattered around.Spock has a better metaphor for Jim.





	Kintsugi

>   
Spock reached for the real paperback book on the nightstand but something caught his eye. A clear box with several small irregular shaped pieces in it. The multitude of muted colors was what had drawn his eye.

The box was one he had never noticed, but then he was rarely in the captain’s bedroom. And those times were like this one; retrieving a book for the captain to read while he was confined to Sickbay. Spock had wondered more than once if perhaps the doctor should not just house a small library for the captain in sickbay, as often as he was there.

“Spock, did you find the book?” McCoy’s voice carried from the bathroom.

“Yes, doctor.”

Spock did not react when McCoy’s voice was suddenly much closer than before. “Does he still have that stupid thing?”

“I do not understand.”

McCoy sighed and ran a tired hand over his face as Spock had seen him do countless times before, mostly in conjuncture with their captain. “It’s a thing from our academy days.” McCoy picked up the box, gently shifting the contents. “First year, first five months honestly; Jim was drunk, depressed drunk. He's sitting there telling me how broken he felt. We all do from time to time.” McCoy sighed, Gods knew he felt more broken than not, “But he said he’d come up with the perfect analogy. He was a puzzle, a puzzle with no picture,” McCoy tapped on the clear lid, “usually there’s a photo of what the puzzle is supposed to end up looking like.” McCoy dropped to sit on the captain’s bed.“He said that he was a puzzle of tea cups. Each one a different pattern.But since there’s no reference picture you’re going in blind and deaf, so to speak. He said you wouldn’t know that the cups are all broken and jumbled up. That there was a Willow Blue, next to a yellow tulips, next to red roses, mixed with white daisies and so on. Then a month later we were looking for a present for my daughter and we find this toy shop. In the back, was this old fashion print on cardboard paper puzzle maker. Jim found this random picture of broken tea cups and then completely randomized every setting the machine had. When it spit out the puzzle, Jim threw the picture away without looking at it and has carried it in the clean box ever since.”

Spock watched the colors move around. “Has he completed the puzzle?”

McCoy shook his head, “No. I know he’s tried a couple of times. But the thing is, he doesn’t even know what shape its supposed to be. There’s curved pieces like its a circle, but there’s straight pieces too. So it could be an oval, or some random amorphic shape.”

Spock nodded once. 

“Come on, let’s get this stuff back to Jim before he tries to make a break for it.”

Spock had seen the captain do just that two hours ago. When the doctor had caught him trying to hobble out using various carts, tables and walls as impromptu crutches, he had quickly steered the man back to his boi-bed and sedated him. Something the doctor hated to do to his friend but found often necessary.

***

Spock slowly rose from his meditation to full consciousness. While he had set most things from the day in their proper place, one thing had remained: the puzzle. For some reason it bothered Spock that the captain felt broken. Spock understood that his captain wore many faces. Most of the humans he knew did. He understood it was their way of handling difficult situations.

However the idea that Kirk felt like a set of broken china, all jumbled together; it caused a disturbing sensation in Spock’s side. He was not ready to analyze the feeling yet, nor the fact that it originated in the same place as his heart.

Spock debated for a moment before doing something he knew without a doubt he should not. He stood up, walked through their shared bathroom and retrieved the puzzle box from the captain’s table.

If asked, he would simple state that the unfinished puzzle was anthem to him and he simply could not allow it to stand.

***

Six weeks and Spock was about ready to throw the damnable puzzle out of the nearest airlock.

The captain had not once mentioned the missing box. Or the cloth that was now draped over a new pedestal table in Spock’s quarters.

Spock had only managed to piece together 19 pieces so far.

However those 19 where actually in four different sections. He still had not been able to discern the overall shape of the puzzle. As Dr. McCoy pointed out, it could be anything. To increase Spock’s frustration levels, (ones he would never admit to having) he was also not certain of the size of the puzzle.

But as each of the 19 pieces had come together, Spock had felt a spike of satisfaction. He now had a section of a Blue Willow cup, a portion of a soft pink rose saucer, three pieces of a yellow rose saucer, as well as a gold rimmed cup assembled.

That left 278 pieces left.

Spock had tried sorting the pieces by color, only to discard the idea when he remembered the doctor had said the pieces where randomized in the photo.

Then he had attempted to find the edge pieces as his mother had taught him. That had been successful, but not as much as he would have assumed. The shape was still allusive.

Spock turned at the sound of the chime for his door, “Enter.”

Nyota stepped in, a soft smile in her eyes. “Hello.”

Spock rose and met his friend half way. “Evening, has your day been well?” He’d gotten better at asking such things.

“It was fine. I was just wondering if you wanted to come with me and see the movie tonight? It’s an old Earth film called First Contact.”

Spock raised an eyebrow, “I will gather it was made before the T'Plana-Hath made first contact.”

“By a couple hundred years,” she chuckled, “the movie is mostly about a set of radio waves that Earth receives, then about building the object the blueprints described in the transmission.”

Spock thought for a moment. “I will accompany you. It will be interesting to see what the entertainment of the time thought of the idea.”

Nyota saw the puzzle on the table, “Ididn’t know you did puzzles.”

Spock turned back towards the conundrum. “I do not, this one is specific.”

Nyota nodded and smiled. “Well, if you’re willing to give up on it for a couple hours?”

“I am."

Nyota wrapped her hand around Spock’s arm, he had allowed her this level of familiarity when they first stared dating, “You never know, when you get back you might walk in and suddenly see a pattern you didn’t before.” Nyota had more than one reason to say that. The theme for most of the movie was patterns, and because she knew that sometimes one needed a break to be able to see them. New eyes, so to speak. 

She also knew exactly who that puzzle belonged too.She’d seen in it Kirk’s dorm room more than once, and had seen it on the coffee table in the captain’s quarters.

***

Spock sat down at the table after a pleasant evening with Nyota. The movie had been interesting, the ending had left him unsatisfied though.

He did see the irony of an advanced species sending plans for a device, only to have the human who used it be harshly treated afterwards. He was certain Admiral Archer felt the same way towards the Vulcans who had neglected his father over a century ago.

Looking down at the puzzle, Spock found two pieces he had never seen before. Carefully he picked them up, one in each hand. The cutouts for the interlocking sections indicated that the pieces went together. He set them down, locking them together. They created a point.

Looking to the edge pieces, he found the next piece of the left side, then another, and another; ten minutes later he had half of the left outside finished and a third of the right.

He sat back and realized he knew the shape of the puzzle.

Spock wondered if Jim had truly randomized all the settings or if fate had a hand in this puzzle.

Before him was a puzzle of broken china in the shape of an artistically stylized human heart.

An hour later saw Spock picking up the last piece. Illogically he stopped, his hand hovering over the hole near the center of the heart.

He set the piece back down on the table and was suddenly overcome with a deep wave of guilt. He should not have attempted to complete this puzzle. This had been a gross invasion of Jim’s privacy.

It was at that moment Spock realized that mentally he had stopped calling his Captain, Captain or Kirk. He had become Jim to Spock’s mind.

He should have never taken the puzzle.

He debated on his choices. He could dismantle the puzzle and return it to its container and to its rightful place in J - Kirk’s bedroom. He could dismantle it, return it to its container and tell J - Kirk what he had done. Or he could leave the puzzle and show J - Kirk what he’d done.

Taking a deep calming breath Spock decided on the last option, or something similar. He would tell Jim, Kirk, he would tell Kirk what he had done and ask what Ji-Kirk wanted him to do with the puzzle.

***

Three days later the puzzle still sat covered in his room.

Spock had never seen himself as cowardly before. But knowing how badly he had invaded his friend’s privacy had had an adverse effect on Spock.

He could not meditate properly nor he had not been able to sleep. And he still could not bring himself to tell Jim.

And he was now and forever Jim in Spock’s mind. No matter how hard he tried he could not force himself to return to calling the man Kirk. The information Spock had, kept him from returning to such a formal and impersonal name.

He stood in front of the bathroom door for the 19th time. The number was not lost on Spock.

But it seemed 19 was the number, because as Spock raised his hand to open the door to request entry into Jim’s quarters, Spock’s door opened instead.

Jim stood before him, his hair soft and slightly tousled. His shirt was not a uniform shirt but instead a cotton shirt that looked soft and comfortable, proclaiming Captain’s do in a chair, a joke from the doctor Spock was sure. The pants covering Jim’s legs looked as soft and comfortable as the shirt. His feet bare, the pale golden skin showing.

“Oh were you coming in?”

“No,” Spock’s voice was suddenly rusty, he cleared his throat, “No, I was on my way to see you.”

“Oh well, here I am.”

“Yes, perhaps we should return to my living area?”

Jim shrugged, Spock moved to allow his friend to enter. Before Jim made it far enough to see the puzzle Spock spoke up, “I have a confession.”

Jim turned around, his head tipped to the side, “Really, Mr. Spock? I’m surprised that you would have done something so drastic that it requires a confession.”

Spock kept his face from flushing but he could see in Jim’s eyes he had not managed to keep his guilt from his own eyes.“When your leg was injured and the doctor confined you to Sickbay I found the puzzle.” Spock swallowed but continued, “For reasons I do not yet understand, I took the puzzle with the plan to complete it. But I have found I cannot.”

“Yeah it’s a bit of a bitch, I’m not even sure what the shape it is or even what the picture looks like. I was a bit trashed when I had it printed. I sort of remember thinking it was a cool idea to print out this thing, but it’s all hazy. And honestly I have no clue what we ended up buying for Joanna’s birthday that day.”

Spock waited for Jim to finish his tale before amending his statement. “I know the shape. It is not that I was unable to complete the puzzle,it is that I cannot in good conscience complete it.”

“You figured it out?” Jim whispered.

Spock nodded once.

Jim turned dropping into a near by chair. “I was starting to assume the stupid machine had been glitched. I’ve tried a hundred times over the last four years to put it together. I managed a few pieces, but without knowing the shape…” Jim trailed off.

“Would you like to see it?”

“Is that what’s been under that table cloth?”

Spock was beginning to worry, Jim’s voice continued to be soft and small. Spock’s guilt grew. He had gone too far, damaged their friendship beyond repair. “Yes,” Spock kept his voice soft, hoping it would show his contrition in the matter.

“Is it… does it even look like anything?”

Spock was slightly baffled by the question, of course the puzzle looked like something. It looked like broken pieces of china. “Yes, Jim, it is a beautifully unique photo.”

Jim nodded, “I suppose I should look at it after you’ve gone through the trouble to put it together.”

Spock set his hand on Jim’s shoulder preventing him from rising, “Wait, please?”

Jim shrugged but nodded again.

Spock walked to the table and picked up the piece that had been haunting him since the two pointed pieces had appeared. He had assumed for some time that Jim had had the pieces. He assumed that somehow Jim had figured out he had the incomplete puzzle and left the last two for him. Now he was certain the captain had not known about them at all.

Spock returned to Jim with the last remaining piece, he picked up Jim’s hand, trying desperately to push away the feelings radiating from Jim’s skin. He turned over the calm pink hand and reverently set the piece of gold rimmed white china onto his palm. “This is the final piece. It is your puzzle, and you should be the one to complete it.”

Jim looked at it and swallowed, his shoulders hung low, the posture of a dejected and possibly depressed individual.

Spock would not admit to hating the way he felt about seeing his friend so disheartened. Carefully he helped the man up and guided him to the table. With equal care he set Jim down in the chair he had used to work on the puzzle. Slowly he removed the cloth, reveling the heart of broken china.

He heard the gasp from Jim and gave the man time to see the graphic representation he had imagined for his damaged soul. He watched Jim reach out with the hand not cradling the piece and trace the edge of the puzzle. He shook his head. “The Fates are big fat assholes.” He then watched as Jim looked to the last piece. Jim shook his head again. “Maybe I should just leave it unfinished. Seems more fitting.”

Spock knelt next to his friend, reaching out he turned the man so that they faced each other, “You are not unfinished. You are whole, your pieces may be broken but they are not scattered about. You are whole.” He took Jim’s hand and guided it to the hole. Once the piece slid into place Jim shuddered.

On a whim after seeing the puzzle nearly complete Spock had ordered something that he felt was a much better representation of what Jim’s soul would look like. Again with care he pulled Jim from the chair, putting a hand on each arm he looked into Jim’s eyes, the blue glistening with emotions that the man could not express. “When I saw the puzzle in your room that day, and when Dr. McCoy explained your metaphor, I was reminded of an art style from Earth’s Japanese culture.” Spock moved Jim to his bedroom, setting the man on his bed before turning to his dresser. He pulled a box from the top drawer and gently set it into one of Jim’s hands before setting the other on top.

Jim took the hint and opened the box. Again Spock heard a gasp and watched the box shuddered. “It is called Kintsugi. It is the art of repairing broken china with gold. The cup becomes stronger despite the breaks, the saucers more resilient because of the gold.” He looked up to the eyes now freely expressing the tears his friend had been holding back before. “This is how I see you, Jim. You are not broken, you are strong and resilient. You are the strongest person I have ever met. No matter the time line.”

Jim shook his head no, trying to push the cup and saucer back towards Spock.

Spock shook his head as well and held Jim’s hands in place, “It is yours.”

“Spock,” Jim’s voice broke, “I can’t take it. I know how expensive these things are.”

“Jim, I am quite wealthy, you know every surviving Vulcan was given a settlement to begin again, not to mention the income I already possessed or my salary from StarFleet, I am not poor.”

“I know that,” Jim’s voice cracked, “and it wasn’t the money, I meant that it’s too valuable to give to me. It’s something you should give Uhura. You know, your girlfriend.” He pulled his hands and the box free, setting it on the bed next to him.

Spock blinked. “Oh,” Spock pulled Jim in and hugged him. “Oh Jim, we separated shortly after we launched.” Spock ran his hands up and down Jim’s shivering back, “After Nero and the stress of the situation Nyota realized she could not handle the constant stress of seeing me go off in to danger. We still love each other, we most likely always will. She is my best friend. Just as Leonard is for you. But we are not in love. I am not sure we ever were.”

“What are you saying Spock?” Jim wasn’t sure he could decipher his confusing first officer right now. For some stupid reason seeing the puzzle nearly finished had thrown Jim’s emotions into complete chaos.

Spock leaned back so that he could see Jim’s face. “I am saying that as I have gotten to know you these past months, and as I worked to complete the puzzle, I have fallen in love with you. Your bright soul calls to mine. I find myself seeking you out more and more. This last week as I debated with myself, over and over again, which action I should take regarding the puzzle, has been one of the hardest weeks in my life. Not being by your side, not seeing you for hours at a time? It has hurt in a way I did not know I could hurt.” Spock ran a hand over Jim’s cheek, “Not seeing your smile, not feeling the heat of your skin, not hearing your laughter, these things shredded my soul, my katra.” Spock took a deep steading breath. “Before we left Earth, I saw him.”

“Him? OH! Oh that - damnit I can’t even call him any dirty names, because he you!” Jim wanted to seethe. He’d been very careful not to mention Spock to Spock. “Damn it.”

Spock hugged his friend again. “I called to him thinking he was our father. When we spoke he told me that he could not deprive us of the friendship we could have. I think he wanted to imply a different type of relationship, but was not sure enough of the differences in this time to do so.”

Jim swallowed past the lump and the bit of anger he still felt. “That would probably be true. He uh sort of let it slip through that we… in the other time… we were close. I know how much it hurt him when I di - when his Jim died.” It was hard to think of his mortality in connection to what he’d seen of the man. He tried to think of him as some uncle or close family friend he’d never really gotten to know, instead. It worked better for his sanity.

Spock moved his hand to Jim’s chin and tipped it just the tiniest bit needed to compensate for their one inch height difference and slowly, so that Jim had the option to pull away, leaned in and kissed his friend.

He felt Jim return the kiss so he continued to kiss his lover.

When they broke apart Spock, picked up the cup set and handed it to Jim again, “Please take this as a courting gift. I would like to begin kugaya, the process of courting you.”

Jim wanted to shake his head no, but he couldn’t make himself. He’d been half in love with Spock - well since he saw the memory on Delta Vega.He wanted to know what it felt like to be whole. He somehow knew, the only was that was going to happen, was if Spock became the liquid gold that held his broken pieces together. “Nash-veh nar-tor heh nufai veh svi' fun.” ‘I accept and offer one in return’, Jim answered.

It was Spock’s turn to gasp. Jim’s accent was thick but his words were clear, “I accept your gift and you,” Spock whispered back, “you learned Vuhlkansu.”

Jim shrugged, “I had time to kill.”

Spock pulled Jim back into his arms and held him tight, “Nemaiyo.” Thank you.

“You’re welcome.”

“May I kiss you again?”

Jim set the box down one more time, this time seeing the true beauty of the cup and saucer. And with a new understanding that maybe one day he could see him self the same way. He wrapped his arms around Spock’s neck, “Ha sanoi.”

“You really must stop, your accent is -“

“Yeah I know it’s awful, you don’t have to tell me. Yes please,” Jim answered again in Standard.

“K' sanosh, k’diwa.”

Jim shivered at the words, ‘with pleasure beloved.’ He had someone to love him. Before Spock could kiss him again he leaned back, “There are things you don’t know about me. Things that might change your mind.”

“Doubtful, you are my thy’la. We are meant to be. Nothing you tell me will make me leave. Nothing you do will drive us apart. I am not whole without you. But I will listen when you are ready to tall me what you think will change my mind.”

“I want to say now, so that if I’m right, this will hurt less, but I don’t think it will matter. It’s going to hurt no matter what. So I will take the kiss now and anything else you’re willing to give me.”

Spock felt the worry under Jim’s skin but did not push. Jim would tell him his fears when he was ready. Until then Spock would just wait and love his thy'la.

Spock held his thy’la through the night, they did nothing more than kiss and hold each other. In the morning the pair separated long enough to shower and change into clean uniforms.

Jim was stopped on the way to the Mess by a crewman, but sent Spock ahead with he breakfast request. Once there, Spock quickly obtained their foods and found a smaller table. Before Jim appeared Dr. McCoy approached with a head nod towards one of the extra two seats. Spock nodded yes. He really did not want to sit with the doctor right now, but it would have been rude to state that.

“So, did you ever finish Jim’s puzzle?”

The words caused Spock too visibly show surprise.“Excuse me?”

“Come off it Spock, I know you. You went back the night you saw the box and took it. And you’ve spent the last seven weeks working on it. Did you ever finish it?”

“You are the one who left the additional pieces,” Spock knew it had to be the man. He was the only one Jim would have never questioned.

Leonard sat back in his chair. “I’ve had that point for four years, just waiting for the right person to show enough interest in it to be worth Jim’s time.”

“You have always known it’s shape.” Spock accused.

“Absolutely, Jim was tanked that night, I wasn’t. He was tanked most of those nights. I was a fair share of them, but I was shopping for my daughter, I didn’t want to buy something that was inappropriate. So yes I was stone cold sober, as much as it hurt, right then. Anything to do with Joanna hurt then. Still hurts. So I watched Jim turn that machine upside down and inside out with all of its configurations.” 

Spock watched the doctor reach into his inside coat pocket and pull out a folded piece of paper. Before he set it on the table Spock could see that at one time it had been wadded up, the wrinkle lines smoothed but never removed.

With the same care as he had shown both Jim and his puzzle, Spock took the sheet and opened it to find a marred photo of the heart shaped puzzle in his quarters, a stardate printed on the bottom right hand corner.

“Keep him happy, love him, and do your best to keep him safe. That’s all I’ll ever ask.”

Spock looked up to the man who had chosen to be his beloved’s brother. “I will do everything I can, for as long as I breathe to do all of those things.”

“Then I won’t find some way to kick you off this ship.” McCoy said with a smile and a drink that equaled half of his cup of coffee. “And on that note, I’m off to Sickbay. Got one of Scotty’s crazy engineers in there with a broken wrist.” McCoy stood up and nodded before turning away and almost walking into Jim.

“You’ve always known?”

Leonard shrugged, “Yep, had to make sure whoever you ended up with was really worth you. No one not willing to take the time to put that thing together was ever going to be.”

“And what pieces is he talking about?”

“The night you bought it, I poked through it until I found the point. Then I put them away until now.”

“I have one question.” Jim said, his voice holding a slight edge to it.

Leonard figured this was the part where Jim asked him what right he had, or some other version of that sentiment. “What?”

“What in the hell did we buy her that night?”

Leonard laughed and hugged his brother, “You bought her the stable she’d been hounding her mother for, and I bought three of the horses.”

“Oh thank you, four years I’ve been waiting to Jocelyn to call me and lay into me for what ever god awful thing I’d bought her.”

“Oh she did, she never wanted Joanna to have the stable or the horses, she never wanted my little girl to have toys. She’d have made a great Vulcan, only educational things.”

Spock wanted to be offended on behalf of his home race, but in reality the doctor was correct. He was in fact one of the only Vulcan children to ever have toys for the sake of simple play.

“I don’t remember that.”

“You wouldn’t, she called on your birthday.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.” Leonard patted his friend on the shoulder, “It’s better this way, you never understood a word she was saying and she didn’t shut up long enough for you to say anything stupid. I’ve got to go.” He turned to Spock, “Make sure he eats, he forgets, like some sort of dumbass.” Then the man was gone, leaving a wake of chaos behind him.

“I resemble that remark,” Spock heard Jim mumble.

“I have seen you skip too many meals, I will make sure you eat from now on. Starting right now with oatmeal, two large scoops of brown sugar, the coffee labeled ‘The Captain’s Coffee: Don’t Fuck With It’, anda small red plum.”

Jim turned to Spock and spoke Vuhlkansu once more, “Ashau nash-veh du.”

Spock returned the words, “I love you.”

“I saw that.”

Spock chose to ignore the comment about the almost smile he had shown and pushed the tray of food towards his lover.

☕️ ☕️ ☕️ ☕️ ☕️ ☕️ ☕️ ☕️ ☕️ ☕️ ☕️ ☕️ ☕️

Jim gave himself a week of being with Spock before he made sure Alpha shift was covered for both of them the following morning, that way if either of them needed time they could have it. Jim was certain he was going to need it. Especially since he was doing this sober.

Spock showed up ten minutes after the end of his shift in the science lab. He had taken the time to change into the light weight pants he preferred for meditation, a thermal shirt and a long knitted sweater. Jim held the laugh until the door shut behind Spock. “I’m sorry, I really am.”

Spock shook his head in confusion. “I do not understand.”

Jim stopped laughing but smiled at Spock, “It just struck me, you’re basically in your pj’s and robe, coming into my quarters, through the hall instead of the bathroom.”

Spock looked down at himself, he had at one time or another slept in both the shirt and the pants. Though he had never dawned them with the purpose of sleeping in them. “I cannot disagree with that statement.”

“I didn’t mean to laugh at you, honest.”

“It is fine. Your message was vague, ‘wear something comfy’ is difficult to interpret.”

“I suppose it is. We just need to have that talk and I didn’t want to have it in uniform.”

“Ah.”

Jim reached out and touched Spock’s face, he feared for the last time, but hoped for more. “Let’s sit down, this is going to take a bit.”

Spock felt the emotions Jim was bleeding, his lover was terrified to have this conversation. But he was also resolved. Spock did as he was asked and sat down on the couch. He sat on the end, giving Jim the option of sitting next to him on the couch or in the chair next to it, allowing him to dictate how much space he desired. He was hopeful when Jim sat next to him, he was just past arm’s length away.

“So look, I kinda just do this confessional style. Sort of just blurt it all out and get it *out*, then maybe you can ask questions? If I have to stop, I might not start again is what I’m saying.”

Spock heard the uncharacteristic repetition, he reached out and set a hand on Jim’s leg, “I will listen to everything you can say, if it takes several conversations to relay to me everything you would like, I have no issues with that.”

“No, I just got to say it.”

“As you wish.”

Jim spent the next twenty minutes not looking at Spock, just a spot on the floor just past the coffee table. Twenty minutes, Spock fought with several negative emotions. They ranged from concern to worry, from irritation to out right anger, from sadness to distress.

Not only was Jim’s birthday the day of his father’s death, which Spock of course knew. But his mother had then remarried, to a beast of a man, who had physically abused Jim as a child. His mother had neglected him to the point of abuse.Then she had abandoned him. He’d been sent to the colony on Tarsus IV and survived what had become a hellscape. He returned to even more neglect and reacted in response. His childhood juvenile record proved that. His adult record was nearly as colorful as his juvenile.

He spoke of his time in the academy, the disrespect he dealt with daily basis because people assumed that he was there because of who is father was. Or worse assumed he’d slept with Pike or one of the other administrators to get into Starfleet. He proved time and time again that he was as capable as any other student, only to hear a new rumor of who he’d slept with. Spock had heard many of these rumors, he had ignored them and now discounted them completely.

Jim finally fell silent, Spock was not above admitting he was afraid. Not of Jim, he was afraid of himself. He was afraid of what he might do in order to see that Jim was never hurt in such away again. He was afraid of what personal tenets or Starfleet orders he might willing crush under his boot to keep Jim from ever feeling this way again.

He swallowed and carefully reached out and pulled Jim across the space he had put between them. He pulled until Jim was in his lap, Spock’s long arms wrapped around his lover. “If there has ever been a stronger man than you, I have not met them. You are the embodiment of personal strength. You have over come every obstacle placed before you with honor, valor and a smile that would light the way through the darkest black hole. I am assured that my statement that you are Kintsugi in human form stands.”

Jim let the subdued warmth of Spock’s body lull him. Spock knew the worst bits of him and still he wanted to stay. Maybe he wasn’t as broken as he thought. Maybe he did just need to find the gold that would put him together. He shifted so he could see the deep mahogany brown of Spock’s so very human eyes, “Only because I found the gold to seep into all those pesky cracks.”

“And I will always fill them, but I would rather keep new cracks from forming. You do not need my protection, but you will forever have it.”

“I know your life hasn’t been a walk in the park either. How about we protect each other?”

“Acceptable.”

Jim was feeling a bit like a teenage girl from some old 20th century film, but honestly he didn’t care. The guy he loved was holding onto him and didn’t care that he was broken and a walking cluster-fuck. They would be the gold in each other’s pesky cracks.


End file.
